If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined