I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
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<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.