9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
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succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?