I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
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T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.