Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.