[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
6: are snakes just neck?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.