My dress code is business-casualty.
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Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.