My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*