I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
They’re not wrong
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!