Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
can’t bark with your mouth full
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.