*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH