Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
You Might Also Like
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark