I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
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To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Terribly Tuesday.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty