The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
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There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.