There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
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*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”