It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”