My warrants are pretty outstanding.
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My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
my fav colour is also hitler
want me to check your oil?
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
How your email finds me
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables