Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Huge, if true.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.