my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
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It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.