My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
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A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.