Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.