My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
I want to meet the individual who made this
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out