rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
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I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang