Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Ha
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein