I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?