I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
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January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.