“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Always 🥴
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.