Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
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Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.