HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
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*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Today’s Times
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry