[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
You Might Also Like
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Legend 🤣🤣
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Never be a pizza!
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE