everyone has that one prude friend
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
welp
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.