*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food