Terribly Tuesday.
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Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
⚠️ Important Reminder:
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.