*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.