Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat