No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
This kid will have a bright future.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense