Straight people are cancelled
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I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”