Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
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[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement