Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
You Might Also Like
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“what’s it like having a sister?”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in