4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
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Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.