Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
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my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Ion see the issue
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”