me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
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BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.