me and my fake scenarios
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Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
This came to me in a dream.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears