– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
good work, detective
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.