Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
You Might Also Like
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.