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My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
me and my fake scenarios
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
cat vs inanimate object
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.