The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
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Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.