Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”