my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
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[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something