my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
You Might Also Like
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS